


Where Do We Go From Here?

by vesuvius



Category: Star Wars: New Republic Era - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, F/M, Post TSW, Romance, What-If
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-25
Updated: 2013-09-25
Packaged: 2017-12-27 13:52:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,702
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/979698
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vesuvius/pseuds/vesuvius
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A little over a month after TSW, Jacen goes to Hapes to see his daughter. Tenel Ka wants some answers.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Where Do We Go From Here?

Tenel Ka lay on her sleeping pallet, tossing to and fro. She’d been up and down several times already due to Allana being unusually agitated. She tossed again, then punched her pillow, trying to find a comfortable position. Sighing heavily, she gave up and flopped back on the bed.

It had been over a month since the resolution of the Killik problem. She’d received a high-security comm from Jacen who was recuperating from his injuries, saying that Allana was safe, at least from the bug threat. As for potential Hapan assassination plots, they would have to deal with that as it came.

And how would they deal with that? She knew that they had to keep Allana’s paternity a secret, but she couldn’t help feeling a bit resentful that she was shouldering the burden all on her own.

That’s not fair, She scolded herself. Jacen is doing the right thing to protect Allana and you. And you know it.

"Oh, shut up." She didn’t care. A part of her, a very large part, wanted Jacen to be just as crazy about her as she was about him. To throw caution to the wind and love her and never leave her side. Even if he did have to serve as consort.

She closed her eyes and let her mind drift away until sleep called again. It might have been a minute or even an hour later, but she awoke and looked up to see a shadow pass by the door to the nursery. She bolted straight up and reached out for Allana’s presence, her hand going under her pillow to retrieve the lightsaber she always kept at her side.

She was out of the bed and almost to the door when it opened, revealing Jacen holding Allana, who was gurgling happily in her father’s arms.

"Whoa, your Highness. It’s just me." He grinned lopsidedly at her, gently rocking the baby.

Tenel Ka let out the breathe she hadn’t realized she was holding. “Jacen, if you would stop hiding yourself in the Force, I would not have reacted so!” She turned on her heel and strode back to her bed, tossing the saber on top of the sheets. “What are you doing here anyway?”

"I came to how my two favorite ladies are doing." He nuzzled Allana’s nose.

"How big of you." Tenel Ka could not quite keep the sarcasm out of her voice. She sat down on the edge of the pallet, resting her hand in her lap. Her grey eyes were hard.

Jacen tried to measure how to read what he was feeling from her and nodded his head. “I don’t blame you for feeling resentful. Anyone in your position would.”

"Will you stop doing that!"

Allana wailed and Jacen tried to calm her through the Force. He shushed her and walked back to the nursery. Tenel Ka watched through the open door as Jacen again slipped easily into the role of father and protector. He expertly calmed her, talking in soothing tones. Settling her into her crib, he sent calming sensations through the Force. As she drifted off to sleep, he backed out of the room and quietly closed the door. Tenel Ka raised her eyebrow at him as he made his way to her bedside.

He sat next to her, then pulled off his boots. He pulled her into bed with him, holding her tight in his arms.

"Sleep."

"Jacen, I don’t think—"

"Don’t think. Just sleep. We’ll talk in the morning."

She settled in next to him. “You mean you will stay that long?” She winced as she felt the slight twinge of guilt from Jacen. At least what she could get from him.

"In the morning."

Tenel Ka sighed and closed her eyes, willing sleep to come.

Tenel Ka awoke to the sounds of a baby giggling from inside the nursery. She stretched languidly, then swung her legs out of bed. Padding barefoot to the room, her eyes were greeted with a sight that she would remember for the rest of her life.

Jacen was seated on the luxuriously stuffed lounger with Allana cradled in his lap facing him. He held her head in his hand while he fed her a bottle of milk with the other. As she drew closer, she saw that Allana as usual had slobbered all over her coveralls. She was a messy eater, who loved to make a game out of everything. Jacen didn’t seem to mind. He put the bottle aside and wiped his daughter’s messy mouth with his thumb, then went back to feeding her. She gobbled hungrily as she kept her eyes locked with his.

Tenel Ka felt her eyes water and blinked away the tears. She strode past him to the makeshift kitchen she’d set up to make a caf.

"I’ll have one, thank you." Jacen said from behind her.

She didn’t acknowledge him, but set about making two cups anyway. She’d had a hard night and she could sense the day wasn’t going to be any better.

"Did you sleep alright?" Jacen asked. He studied the rigid set to her shoulders.

"I slept alright."

Jacen sighed. “Tenel Ka, if we’re going to talk, you’re going to have to join in the conversation. This one line dialogue won’t help matters.”

Tenel Ka turned and walked to sit in the vacant sofa next to him. She set the cups of caf on the table and reached for Allana. Jacen dropped his eyes and passed her over. “Are you going to talk to me at all?”

"Oh yes. I am." Jacen felt a little nervous at her tone but said nothing. "Dede?"

DD-11A stepped into the nursery. “Yes, Queen Mother?”

"Can you give her a bath and into some clean clothes? Jedi Solo and I need a moment alone."

"Certainly." She said in her soothing voice. "Come with me, little one." Allana went happily into Dede’s arms. Tenel Ka waited until the droid had left the nursery then turned to look at Jacen.

"What is wrong with you?"

Jacen looked taken aback. “Nothing is wrong with me.”

Tenel Ka leaned back, sipping her caf. “Something is wrong with you. And I suspect that you do not even know what it is.”

Jacen looked amused. “Then how can I answer your question?”

Tenel Ka’s mouth set in a firm line. “Don’t do that. Don’t make a game out of this.”

"I’m not." Jacen said.

Tenel Ka looked at Jacen. His relaxed repose, his calm demeanor, his expressionless face and to top it all off, the inpenetrable wall that was his uniform these days. It infuriated her and she swore vehemently.

Jacen watched her quietly, waiting for her to compose herself. He knew what she wanted from him. He’d known it for a long time. Long before he’d come to ask her for help with the Killiks, long before they’d ever spent the night together.

He just wasn’t sure that he could give her what she wanted. He leaned forward and put a hand on her knee.

"Jacen, why do you block yourself off from everyone who loves you? What are you afraid of?"

"Nothing."

"That is a lie."

Jacen removed his hand from her knee and leaned back. She could see that this was the line of questioning that may just get a response out of him. She decided to take it up a notch.

"What are we to do about Allana?"

Jacen looked straight ahead. He opened his mouth but didn’t reply. She could almost see the wheels turning. He finally gave up and looked at her.

"I don’t know."

"What do you want to do?"

Jacen looked away again. “Tenel Ka, when I first learned about Allana, I’d thought—” his voiced cracked a bit. “Well, I’d thought that you had taken a Hapan consort.”

Tenel Ka didn’t rise to the bait. “And?”

"And. Well, I was, er, a little," he hesitated for a second. "Disappointed."

Tenel Ka cocked an eyebrow. “Were you?”

Jacen darted his eyes to hers. The look clearly warning her not to push it. “Yes.” He said with more heat than he had intended. “I was. I’d thought that you would have toldme if you’d decided to take a husband and have a child. It just didn’t make sense.”

"And when you realized she was yours? How did you feel?"

Jacen frowned slightly. “What do you mean? How do you think I felt?”

"You tell me."

Jacen shrugged. “I don’t know. Surprised? Shocked? Happy?”

"Well, which was it?"

"All of them."

Tenel Ka stared at him for a long time. She could feel that he wanted to tell her more, but was resisting. She had to find out what was going on in that head of his.

"Do you love me, Jacen?"

Jacen’s mouth dropped open and his eyes locked with hers. “I, uh, I can’t—” His presence seemed to open up a crack. She could feel him fighting it, but the longer he looked at her, the wider the door opened. Finally he stood, pacing in front of her.

"It is not that difficult of a question, Jacen. If you do not, it does not mean that we cannot be good parents to Allana."

Jacen ran a hand through his hair. “I know that.” He put his hands on his hips. He looked like a cornered Togorian about to pounce. “I just cant, I mean, this is not something—” He swore, a first for him that she’d ever heard. He stopped pacing and turned to look at her, his arms wrapped around his chest. “Yes. I do love you.”

She nodded. “Then I ask you again. What do you want to do about Allana?”

Jacen closed his eyes. “It would be safer for her, if no one knows that I’m her father.”

Tenel Ka felt like she’d been slapped. Of course, she’d known that would have to be the answer. But she wasn’t ready to give up just yet.

"We don’t have to do it that way. We could find a way."

Jacen looked at her, his eyes clouding with frustration. “And just how would that work, Tenel Ka? Sooner or later she’s going to learn to talk. She’s going to need a consistent father figure in her life. And if she comes to know me as her father, she will not have that. I must go where the Force leads me. I can’t always be there for her.” He turned away. “It would be better if she just doesn’t know me at all.”

She could feel the pain rolling off of him now. He’d cracked. She felt certain that no one had seen this side of him. He kept it firmly under wraps. “And what father figure would you suggest I provide for her in your absence? Would you have me take a man as consort?”

"No!" Jacen looked at her with heat in his eyes. "I don’t want another man around her."

"You will not have that choice if you are going to make yourself absent from her life. I will do what I must."

Jacen strode over and pulled Tenel Ka up by the shoulders. “I said, no.” Tenel Ka returned his steely gaze with one of her own. Jacen could tell that she wasn’t going to back down. But you already knew that. That’s one of the things you love about her, isn’t it?

He let her go. “I’m sorry.” Tenel Ka didn’t move.

"What happened to you?"

Jacen sighed. “I died.”

Tenel Ka shook her head. “No, you didn’t. You may have convinced everyone else of that, but not me. You are still in there somewhere, Jacen Solo.” She poked at his chest. “I suspect that you have not really allowed yourself to heal after what you went through at the hands of the Vong and Vergere. At least not fully.”

"There is nothing to heal. I just am."

"No. If that were true, you would not try so hard to keep your empathy in check. You have always been uncomfortable with it. That was why you used to tell me those horrible jokes."

Jacen laughed quietly. “They were pretty bad, weren’t they?”

"They were awful."

Jacen frowned. “Alright, alright. No need to rub it in.”

Tenel Ka took Jacen’s hands. “Talk to me.” Her eyes pleaded with him. “Please.”

Jacen nodded and sat down on the sofa. She sat next to him, pulling her legs up under her and waited. And talk he did. About his torture, the endless hanging in the ‘embrace of pain’, his shock at Vergere’s betrayal again and again, his slaughter in the nursery, the red tide of rage, the rebuilding of himself. All of it came pouring out. By the time he’d finished, he was sobbing into Tenel Ka’s lap. His sobs ranged from wracking to growling as he cursed himself for his weakness.

Tenel Ka sobbed with him. She cried for the pain he’d endured and learned to conquer, the boyhood he’d lost so viciously, the anguish he was feeling now over his uncertain role in his daughter’s life, the love and desire he felt for her that he only seemed to be able to dispense in small doses. She caressed his head, running her fingers through his hair. She let him pour out his grief.

"Jacen, my friend. I was the one who would never show my emotions. I was the one who saw them as a weakness. It was you who showed me that I was wrong in that. And now you have forgotten your own lesson. Do you not see that this will lead you down a path away from your natural abilities? Your empathy is a strength. The Force gave it to you, did it not? You say that you must follow the Force, yet you laugh in it’s face. You think you understand yourself, but you do not. You are hiding, my friend. From everything and everyone."

"Tenel Ka, I will never be the same Jacen you knew before."

"That is true. But I am not the same Tenel Ka either. We grow and we change. But what you are doing is not natural. You are completely masking yourself. You must follow your own path, so be it. But you can not hide from who you are. No matter what you have molded yourself into. You are very angry, Jacen."

Jacen sat up. He leaned back against the sofa. His watery eyes staring straight ahead.

"Anger comes from fear."

"You don’t need to lecture me about the darkside. I don’t let fear control me."

"But you do. When it comes to Allana, you do."

"That’s not true. I fix what must be fixed and I don’t worry about things that I can’t."

Tenel Ka held Jacen’s face, her eyes searching. “You do worry. You are keeping yourself under such control. It is building up. I sensed it when Gorog attacked in the nursery. I know that you did not mean to hurt Ben, but you hurt him nonetheless.”

Jacen’s eyes flashed with anger. “I did what I had to do to protect our daughter. You saw him, he was out of control!”

Tenel Ka’s eyes were said. “And so are you, my friend. So are you.”

Jacen’s mouth hung open as he stared back. He blinked then probed inward. Somewhere deep inside, he felt the little knot of anger throbbing, begging to get free. “That’s impossible,” he whispered. “It can’t be. I killed you.”

Tenel Ka shook her head. “Apparently, you did not.”

Jacen touched his chest. She was right. The anger was still there. And he’d been feeding it. His empathy was something that he could not just get rid of. He shook his head in disbelief. He had to find a way to balance this. He had to. His eyes refocused. He reached up and took Tenel Ka’s hands in his own.

"I promise you. We will find a way to make this work. We must."

Tenel Ka’s tears spilled over her cheeks. She grabbed Jacen and held him tight. She suddenly felt better than she had in a long time. Together, they would find a way.


End file.
